Digging Deep

The staff retreat was about like Kaliko itself. Relaxing and breezy. We spent three days on the beach with the BGM staff including the new operations manager, Rusty Hall, and his wife, Michelle. It was a nice change of scenery. The time with staff outside the usual daily grind was refreshing. The girls and I played on the beach swing and did handstands in the pool. Ava sported her turtle float and hot pink sunglasses everywhere she went. Charles attended meetings with the staff while Lilly and I attempted homeschool a few feet from the waves. The buffet of salad, fish, fresh fruit and more was a delicious treat for all 26 of us. I had some good conversations with Pastor Mickenson about upcoming events at the church and caught up with Mathurin on his latest trip to the States. The time together was valuable and we were all grateful for the trip.

A meeting Wednesday night came as a surprise to me and at a late hour. I was already attempting to go to bed when we were called to meet. Another humbling moment. A recommendation of what could be done better. One word in my mind that stood out was discernment. It was about feelings and improvements and heartaches and struggles. It was too late. I had been sleeping to a teeth grinder and tummy acher 3 inches from my bed the two nights prior. I was tired. The meeting ended but the night just started. My blonde-haired, blue-eyed child begged to cuddle and complained about her ailing tummy. It was a long night of reflection and evaluation of my own heart.

I have been dialoging with Charles for the past month or so about my struggles to see the flaws in ministry, Christians, mission work, etc. and in no way excluding my own flaws. I have been really focused on the frustrations here. And it seems like I have been more fixed on how I can fix the struggles in homeschool, the hiccups with staff, and lots of things. In the last week I have really just identified that I am in a hard season of trusting God. He is showing me ways to trust him and I have been slowly surrendering. It's been somewhat painful just trying to fix things and then giving them to Him and repeating that sometimes several times a day or an hour. I've just been discouraged. Lilly and I have had some screaming matches over homeschool and Charles and I over quality time and it all kind of piles up. I have seen my negativity rear its ugly head more and more. It's the whole mindset that if we just had this or that, than I would be content. But I know better. I was just thinking through the night ... 3 main thoughts ....

1. I'm just in a  hard season of life ... a season of literally giving to my kids almost 24-7 without breaks. 

2. I'm also in a hard season of growth where God is teaching me to trust on a whole new level and it's hard to swallow that I am having to fight so hard for joy and contentment on a regular basis. 

3. I'm in a hard place. There are at any given time 25 people outside my front door who need something to make their mission trip what they hoped for and beyond the walls people who are literally starving and trying to survive one of the hardest's countries heartaches. 

I spent a lot of time this morning reading in James about discernment and wisdom. James 3:13 says Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in meekness of wisdom. It goes on to say in vs. 14 But if you have bitter jealousy or selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truths. I find that I'm seeing some of the good and the bad in my own heart. I long to be in community and do this child rearing with people. I long to talk about life on the field and how to process what I see/experience daily. It's just a lot. Encouragement is seldom and criticism often. I tell Lilly though that it's a choice. Joy is a choice and it's a million choices - that's what makes up our conduct. A lot of little choices determines our theme. Today I read Ann Voskamp that said do we really think anger is worth choosing over joy? Is it more efficient or make us closer to our goal? Than why are we choosing it? She also talks about service to people makes the bones weary and the frustration deep. She quotes Dorothy Sayers, "Whenever man is made the centre of things, he becomes the storm-centre of trouble. The moment you think of serving people, you begin to have a notion the other people owe you something for your pains... You will begin to bargain for reward, to angle for applause."

I find that I just need more shifts in attitude. More moving from the heat irritation (irritation from constantly dripping in sweat from the heat) to gratitude. The shower drips instead of comes down in a stream. Thank you for the drip. Another night of rice and beans. Thank you for this food on our plates. A phone call cut short from the power outage. Thank you for power. The fourth knock at the door that wakes Ava from a nap. Thank you for people helping with the chickens. Another spill. Thank you for a washing machine. A mess on the floor. Thank you Julienne for cleaning. And on and on and on. It's a perspective change. I think sometimes instead of seeing my two littles as treasures, I see them as obstacles to productivity or mess makers. After reading about joy and meekness in the scriptures, and turn to gratitude, I find that I see them as treasures. I see a sleepy-eyed overall skirt wearing blond walk in wanting to cuddle and despite my desire to finish my task at hand and then cradle her, I consciously put it down and hold her in my lap. Small changes but immediate joy. 

The other morning in the dark I turn on the red light for the treadmill and plug in the sermon. The baptism of the Holy Spirit by Jeff Evans and I start listening. It's a world away and yet a lot of truth coming in my ears. All sleep and I yearn to know more. How to make it work here. How to find the joy. His voice says that it's the anointing of the Holy Spirit in each life that makes the difference. I think about the convictions in my own life and how much I count on a super natural filling of the Holy Spirit. I'm not waiting on the songs in church to be sung in English or the community around me to ask how I'm really doing. I finish the sermon and hear Blow Might Breath of God ... and I pray God would fan the flame in my own life. 

God made us for this. We are in no way giving up on Haiti because God is trying to teach us lessons. I'm pressing in and digging deep. Reaching out and asking for prayer as I swim through the muddied waters of life here. I was asked how I plan to get through this season. I told him I'm going to keep thanking God and fighting for joy with every breath. God sees me and hears prayers and knows my heart. And he is doing mighty things in me. Please pray with me James 3:17 that says But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. 

I'm hoping you will pray with me and intercede for me, with all of us. Praying for some breakthrough in our own struggles and some insight on positive things going on here. Thank you for lifting us up. God is so good. 

On a positive note, I've been praying for a while for a lady named Joslin Horis who has been asking if we can help her with a new house. You can read more about it on a previous blog post but rats are literally eating away at her family. Stan told us someone called and offered to fund a house if we knew of anyone who needed one. Construction for her house starts Monday! We serve a knowing God. We went to visit her again yesterday. It seems like since we gave her a couple rounds of rat poison, they are dying off. She says she knows they are dead by the smell of them in the house (how awful). She was so happy to see us. The rain continues to come through the mud and sticks in her roof and drench her family with each rain. Joslin says she prays a lot the nights that it rains because they can't sleep well while they get so wet. We didn't tell her about the house yet because we don't want to promise before we see construction start. Alex asked where she would build if she received a new house and she had a plot of land she owns ready to go. Joslin went with us to her friend's house. Olicia has been asking for prayer in Bible study about all of the snakes in her house. We showed up at her house and were immediately welcomed by her warm smile. She tells her friend in Creole that we didn't tell her we were coming and she doesn't have nice clothes on. She grins a little embarrassed. We meet her 6 children and her belly is round with the seventh. She plans to deliver another one at home in December. Her house is right on the outskirts of the village and a wooded field is just beyond it. Charles sees a pile of rocks too. He says maybe the snakes are all coming from that direction. Who knows? Olicia shows us the inside of the mud and sticks house and just where the snakes are slithering in. Two children have already been bitten. It's awful to think about snakes in the house. The two room hut has barely enough floor space for the little bodies that are at risk. Olicia says she has killed at least six 7-8 ft. poisonous snakes in the house in the last month. The rain doesn't help. Just then we see the dark clouds hover over and hear the thunder clap. We bow, Olicia kneels and we pray for the house and God's protection over them. I get her full name to submit it to those in charge of assigning house construction to the teams. I quietly pray she'll move to the top. Ava swaps smiles with the other little Haitian girl her age. Patty cake is universal. But the sprinkles start and we know rain is coming. Joslin stays to visit with her friend. Alex, Charles, Ava and I head back to the truck. Just as we pull out of the village, a bright rainbow lines the sky. It was almost fluorescent. I snapped a few pictures. Charles says let's wait and get closer but I can't wait. I snap a few more. Then the rain starts. I knew I couldn't wait. It's pouring down rain in sheets. I think again about these houses, and the rats, the snakes, the wet children and the ones in danger of bites. On the way back to Hope Center I think about God's promises and that rainbow and the faithfulness that goes with it.

I saw this again yesterday and was reminded how much I like it.....

"Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of gratitude." 

-- A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh