More Giggles. More Gifts

A week on the sandy shores brought a lot of laughter and good memories. Lengthy conversations and time on the porch. The kids were consumed with sand castles and sweet watermelon. It was a miracle in itself to come together, all 29 of us, under a roof for time together. The kitchen always busy with the next meal, the cartoons on the tv entertaining the little bitties. It was magical in its own way. A celebration for Lockard who turned 6 was a highlight at the beach's amusement park. Writstbands for everyone mean endless fun. Rollercoasters were going up and all around. Uncle Nate opens a giant bag of the colored cotton candy and the crowd of cousins gather. Too much fun until nightfall and they want to do it all over again. Instead adults win over with the fish tacos and blue moons. Everyone wins. The last ferris wheel ride and a sno cone to stain the mouth before the night's over. The rest of the evenings are full of wine glasses on the deck and small children running on the beaches. Fireworks off the pier! The last day together Tricia got the call. Their baby is coming. Lots of cheers and a quick job of packing the car. Doug races me down the street (and wins) and then hears the news in the driveway. Their long awaited son is on his way into the world and he is speechless. Their family will be complete. A little brother for Meredith. Adoption is an awesome thing. Mama is 7 cm and counting. We wave goodbye to the proud parents to be. Tears streaming down. Happiness fills the driveway. Hours later they arrive in time and Luke is born. Healthy baby. God's goodness.

We drove away from the pink beach house and all the family and love inside of it at sunset. A long night's drive but the two babies were sleeping beauties. Tunes turned up and wheels turning in our heads and conversation came easy. I take the 2 a.m. - 6 a.m. shift and I replayed the moment in my head where Lilly couldn't stop her bike on the way to the ice cream store and by grace I could reach her before the cars. I had a close call with Ava washing back out in the ocean with the waves and she couldn't find her feet or oxygen. Two close calls. Two moments of tears of gratitude replayed. More thoughts of how grateful I have both girls. I keep looking in the rear view. Watching them sleep between the glances of the lines in the highway. My gifts from God. 

Back in time for a shower for the new baby boy in our lives - Tia and Uncle James are expecting Baby Everett. Lilly goes to the big girl party where we converse over mint tea and petit fours with blue flowers. So many little boy gifts unwrapped and prayers prayed. An outpouring of love for this little one who doesn't even know what he's coming in to. Sarah is glowing and her little silver cup with his initials reminds her that he will be magical and in her arms so soon. Mothers offer funny stories and advice. I think to say that my latest revelations are about how I keep looking for big moments of quality time and pivotal moments with the girls but the tiny moments in the check out line and in the car and in the in between moments seem to be the magical ones. I am not sure why I hold out for the big ones and somehow consider the little moments not to count for so much when they do. Count the little moments, Sarah. And I don't know what I'm doing as a mom. I'm still trying to figure it out. There's so much freedom in being honest that I don't know what I'm doing but leaning into God's word and praying for wisdom daily to learn what is best for me and Lilly and Ava. It's ok, Sarah, not to know. None of us really know. It's such a test of trusting and learning as you go.

This morning at church I hear the word surrendering in a song and all I could think is I have to wave the white flag again. I have to raise it high and give it all to God again. I can't try to fight it on my own. I have to keep shifting the "I - don't - wanna" thoughts to the "Thank you, God" thoughts. I glance down at my bracelet that says Be Grateful. Why do I need reminding? I am so grateful for the moments I sing praise in English. The hugs from Mom. The laughter and the time together. All of it makes me want to stay. If I just stay longer, the vacation from life would continue. I know it's not so but it feels like there may be a chance. I could change the date on my ticket. But I know. I know it's not changing the reality of the departure and the challenges that go with transition. I focus on the grace. There is a line in the prayer that says "forgive us for constantly trying to create a life of ceaseless pleasure." I acknowledge the desire in my own heart. The cry of my heart to God to make it easy. Painless. I want to return to Haiti with no hardship. I think of the Haitian church and the mix of people who will be in one church singing praises in Heaven. We will see those faces with dark skin and we will know some of them by name. A smile comes across my face. God has shifted my thoughts. Lilly's teacher says Lilly offered to pray in class and she knocked it out of the park with all kinds of thankfulness and then the teacher finds out she lives in Haiti and is teaching kids the Jesus life there. The teacher says, "that's one special kid you've got there."

So here we go. In another day we will step back into the wardrobe and step off the plane into our other life where heartache seeps out of every crack and reminds me of the hard stuff. I have to remind myself that not everyone knows love on two sides of the world. Many will be awaiting our arrival on the other side of those airplanes and they will embrace us in their open arms and we will see their smiles again and remember that it is a gift to be there and to love them back. A gift. It will remind us God has given us the opportunity to love and be loved. To be vulnerable and open to those we are able to walk with. 

Lilly and Ava at the counter tonight laughing and being silly and at bedtime Lilly asks,"Can't we stay longer?" ... Baby, we gotta go back ... those words ring in my heart and hang in the air after I say them and I'm still struggling to believe them. But the going back is the obedience and the lessons and the grace and the good, hard stuff of life that keeps us back to the Words of Life. And we need all of that. So we go back. Life in Haiti isn't so hard. The going back and forth between the two worlds is. The goodbye to what we've known as home for a lifetime to go back to the new home and then readjust. That's the part that bends our knees and shows us the grace that flows like a hard rain. We gotta go back to it.

I recall the moment today when I waited for Charles outside the store and the phone rings. A friend calling to say she's praying. She asks how I am and tears flow out of my already sick eyes and I can't hold back but to say, "It's going to be hard every time. I have to remember it's going to be hard every time." I can't forget but I reconcile it's my choice to go between the worlds and know and love and do it over and over again because it's the life we have chosen. God has called us to it and he is worthy. He is worthy. 

Suitcases are packed and a few details left to cover. Mom says she has taken the day off tomorrow from work. I'm grateful again for the added moments that we'll have together before the plane takes off. We laugh over pictures tonight. A mom and two sisters reliving other memories and I think we'll be reliving these too. And we'll smile and laugh over them. More giggles. More little gifts.